Mistakes Everywhere

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ




Assalamualaikum.
Do you ever think about what happened in your life and how many mistakes you have done in your life? I am in blues mood now, so this post might be a little bit sentimental. If it is kind of bothering you to read it, please skip. Hahaha. I am in miserable condition now since I have final exam this whole week and I have to deal with my feelings as well. I still remember, last semester around this time also, I have to deal with a break up and here I am as well this semester, I broke up with the same guy. Curse.

Masalah sekarang ni, I don’t know what I did to people and why they keep on choosing to leave me. I guess something wrong with me. Until today, just few minutes before I typing this new entry, someone DM-ed me in Instagram. Like usual, fake account that keep on DM-ing me. But, this time it does hurt me so bad. This person knows everything and I don’t know how he/she knows all these. I thought I won’t care about the DMs but this time, it hits me straight to my heart. It feels like someone put the gun at my head.

This is what this fellow told me,

“ Kau dah kena tinggal tu. Padan muka kau. Nak tahu sebab apa? Sebab kau tu tak ada apa-apa. Kau tak cantik, kau bukan baik sangat pun, kau ni menyusahkan, kau ni menyakitkan hati. Tu sebab kau ni kena tinggal macam tu je. Kesian kau. Tak payah nak bercinta sangatlah. Kau stay je sorang-sorang sampai mati. Daripada kau menyusahkan hidup orang. “

If you are in my situation, hati tengah berserabut, and suddenly you got this kind of text. What you feel? For God sake, I feel like wanna jump from this 23rd floor. Untung masih ingat baik buruk, dosa pahala. Iman kuat. Alhamdulillah. I keep on reading the texts until I can feel tears rolling down on my cheeks. How painful the words are. I can still feel it. Kalau before this, got this kind of texts, still can mengadu, but now? Hadap sorang-sorang. I guess this person mesti gembira on what happened to me. I mean she/he wins the game.

I guess what she or he said was right. When I look around, I can see how terrible my life is. My parents must have hard time to deal with a daughter like me. My friends must have a miserable time when I was around them. My boyfriend, I mean my ex-boyfriend must be regret for having me in his life before. I have nothing. I do make mistakes. I always make mistakes. I am this type of person yang buat something ikut suka hati dan lepas tu baru nak menyesal. I shouldn’t do things like that. I should bear with anything by myself. Jangan susahkan orang, jangan sibuk nak mengadu kat orang. Gosh, it’s painful to have this kind of thought. I am so tired crying by myself. What is more painful, I am dying inside. I do.

I wish I could turn back the time and fix everything. Fix every mistake that I made especially to my parents, my best-friends and to my ex-boyfriend. But, nope! I can’t turn back the time. So what should I do now? There are no second chances for me. Oh, Allah. Please help me. I am dying inside. 

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